Martha and Me

I have always been a Martha Stewart fan. I first came across the Great Martha on PBS in the late 80s-she had a holiday special that was so over the top ambitious. It made my future husband and I howl with laughter at the absurdity of the meal. On some level, though, I wanted to live in Marthaville.

Martha didn't just make the Thanksgiving turkey-she wrapped it in puff pastry. She stuck her whole arm in another bird to separate the meat from the skin, and then shoved sage leaves in so the leaf patterns would be visible when roasted.Of course, the sage served the dual purpose of seasoning the bird as well.

The pastry leaves on top of the pie were, as she put it, "botanically correct". The pheasant was smoked in a smokehouse built by her brother somewhere on the grounds of Turkey Hill. Her extensive collection of glass turkeys served as table decorations.

I could never be like Martha, but I wanted to take some small piece of her and apply it to my world. When I started to plan my wedding in the 90s, I purchased the huge "Martha Stewart Weddings" book and pored over every photograph, invitation, menu and flower arrangement, attempting to construct a wedding befitting a Marthaphile.

I took the book to my florist, Joseph, when it came time to pick centerpieces and my bouquet. He immediately announced, "Martha Stewart should be slain!". Joseph tried to explain to me that the beautiful bouquets featured would never withstand the hours they would sit out at a wedding. He showed me how I would end up swinging my flowers as I walked if they were hand-wrapped in ribbon the Martha way.

My wedding was beautiful-the Joseph way. My favorite memory was walking up to his shop the day before, and seeing all of my hydrangeas, lining his windows. A few still survive in gardens to this day, almost 20 years later.

Now back to Martha. I am still in awe of her, and her ability to spot trends, embellish, craft, create, cook, and reinvent. But yet, she is still "so Martha".

Martha loves Beacon's glues. If you read her tutorials, we are all over them. Fabri Tac is a biggie. Sometimes she will refer to it as just "fabric glue", but it's our bottle that is sitting on Martha's crafting table. She has her own line of everything, yet uses our stuff. You can only imagine how happy that makes me.

So last week, a Facebook friend alerted me to a recent Martha television show where Martha and Kathie Lee Gifford made animal party hats, using Beacon's Fabri Tac. Cool! I figured I would post the wonderful party hat tutorial to our Facebook page. If I waited a few days, the video would be up and I could add a link. Well I have finally arrived at the point of my story.

1. Measure the child's head, and choose a honeydew melon that has the same circumference. Place melon in a shallow bowl to keep it steady, and lightly coat with petroleum jelly.

In order to make a hat, I have to purchase honeydew melons?? Let me get this straight-first I have to measure my kid's head. Then I have to take a trip to the grocery store with my trusty tape measure, and start checking the circumference of the melons? AND find one that is the same as my kid's melon head?

Perhaps a ball-or a big bowl-or a balloon-might work? Oh no-honeydew melon is the only way to go. And then I have to grease the thing up with vaseline. I can just picture the slippery melon flying out of my hands and sailing across the room, shattering Grandma's prized vase in the process. Will people actually do that? Do Martha lovers make a shopping list and run right out to the market to do her craft specifically as written? Or do they do the quickie version, like me?

That's what I love about Martha. I like to watch her, listen to her, and then take her ideas and dumb them down for the less ambitious like me. I could never be Martha, but I respect the heck out of her. I hope when her legion of fans get down to the Fabri Tac on her tutorials, they head on over to their local sewing or craft store and buy our glue. They can skip the melon.